Friday Fictioneers: Fireworks!

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fireworks-lora-mitchell2

Story 1: Free!

It’s time, she thought. She heard his footsteps approaching the basement.  Composing herself, she sat on the chair.

“Dinner.” He shouted, unlocking the door. These few days if something she got used to was his coarse tone.

“Darling! I’d love for you to join me.” She spoke softly while stroking her hair and began to unbutton the dress.

He caved and as he sat, she struck him with a vase.

She grabbed the keys from his pocket and unchained her ankle. She ran outside as fast as she could and saw the sky gleaming with fireworks. She felt free.

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Story 2: The Proposal!

I was glad when he stopped the car. I could now open my eyes to see the surprise.

We were on top of a hill and I marveled at the view. The city glistened in the moonlit night.

“So. What do you think?” He asked elatedly, handing me a glass of champagne. Still smitten by the view, I sipped nonchalantly.

Suddenly I felt something crackle between my teeth.  Looking at the ring I turned around, only to find him on his knees.

“Marry me, Nicole. I want to enjoy this view with you forever.”

The sky burst into colorful fireworks.

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*  This post is inspired by the pic Rochelle has posted for this week’s Friday Fictioneers, which encourages writers to write a 100 word story based on the pic.

 

*  I’m still learning to write 100 word stories so would definitely love the feedback – good or bad, positive or negative. Feel free to critique! :-)

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34 responses »

  1. They’re both great stories. I especially like the set up with the first – lots of potential for all sorts of things going on here. Some sentences made me have to read them a few times to try and get the sense of them – ‘she threw her legs on the table’ – I couldn’t really imagine this, except by her legs not being attached to her body! and ‘she struck with a vase’ if you have a ‘him’ in there it would make it clearer.

    • Thanks for the feedback. I’ve made the changes. I was trying different interpretations but nothing was working out and I had to cut out ‘him’ because of the limitation to 100 words.
      I was trying to show that she was convincing him with sexual advances to come near her.
      But appreciate the feedback so much. I’m pretty new to writing these stories. :-)

    • Thanks for dropping by. I take it I left most of the readers confused with the stories. Well, I tried.. :-)
      And that’s a great suggestion, will change the title!

  2. The only awkward sentence is “These few days if something she got used to was his coarse tone.” Other than that they both tell the story with a tight concise plot. I think you’re on the right track with these stories.

    • Thanks for dropping by and your feedback. The first story seems pretty flawed at various levels but with that sentence what I was trying to show is that she had been a captive for few days and other than his coarse tone there’s nothing else she got used to over there. Will re-work on the story later. Appreciate your being here.

  3. Great couple of pieces – enjoyed them both. I’m not sure the last three sentences of the first one, all beginning with ‘she’, are effective or dramatic enough to bear the repetition of the word, and the actions could be linked, saving some words. “She grabbed the keys from his pocket, unchained her ankle and rushed outside, to find the sky gleaming with fireworks. Free!”

    In the second one, I imagined the proposal taking place inside the car so it came as a surprise when she found him on his knees…

    Good work though, and it’s nice to get two stories for the price of one visit! Thank you! See you next week, hopefully.

    • Thank you so much for dropping by and great feedback. That’s one thing that troubled me the most in the story – the repetition of she. Maybe I should’ve avoided using it and made it more effective.
      Oh and the second story, I thought it would be assumed she’s off the car when she’s admiring the view. Hmmm.. I just made an assumption there. Good catch!
      After reading such amazing stories over there I’m not even sure my stories fit there. I’m still learning to write these 100 word stories and you all are experts creating masterpieces!

  4. The second story flowed well but the first, although a good story, doesn’t flow as well. The first thing I noticed as this sentence, which doesn’t make sense as written: “These few days if something she got used to was his coarse tone.” If I’m interpreting it correctly, maybe this works better and with less words: “Already she’d grown accustomed to his coarse tone.”

    ” She spoke softly while stroking her hair and began to unbutton the dress.” Again, just a thought–“She spoke softly while stroking her hair and unbuttoning her dress.” I don’t know if I’d use “Darling” unless he’s really not too bright. Maybe just “Join me?”, then the rest.

    “He caved” sounds less sophisticated than the rest of your story. “As he sat, she struck him with the vase?” “He fell for it and has he sat…?” “It worked! As he sat…?” Just some thoughts.

    “She grabbed the keys from his pocket and unchained her ankle. She ran outside as fast as she could and saw the sky gleaming with fireworks.” Save some more words with something like “Grabbing the keys, she unchained her ankle. She raced outside and saw….” “Raced” implies going very fast and saves you a number of words you could use elsewhere.

    I hope you don’t mind the input. :-) With some tweaking, you could add more words where you need them and have a tighter story that describes and reveals more of what you want.

    I enjoyed “The Proposal” but was happy she didn’t swallow the ring or need dental work!! :-) I like that she was sipping nonchalantly.

    • Wow. I didn’t mind at all. Thanks a bunch for such a fantastic comment and review. Clearly, you’d have done a better job at writing this story! :-)
      I know now how it all makes sense with the right usage words and proper editing. Thank you. And with that sentence “this few days…” I was just trying to show that she was a captive and the only thing she got used to was his tone!
      Hehe.. Yea that’s true would’ve been quite a lot of dental work or medical care had she swallowed it. :-)

    • Yea. True. It didn’t somehow turn out to be a story in itself. The story I tried to show was that she had been kidnapped by him and living in his basement. She was planning to run away but had to get him closer to her so she could strike with a vase and flee.
      But thanks for dropping by.

        • Thank you. Appreciate your feedback. I’ll try that out too. I’m learning to write short stories but 100 words is turning out to be a Herculean task. It’s amazing how you all create such wonderful and flawless stories!

  5. Hi MuZer,
    In case I haven’t said it, welcome to Friday Fictioneers. Both stories have potential. In Free! the young lady was resourceful although I’m wondering if she was tied up how she had her hands free to unbutton her dress or do anything else. Sloppy captor.
    The second one is sweet. Who doesn’t love a clever proposal? There seemed to be a disconnect the ring crackling against her teeth and her seeing it.
    It is a challenge to pack it all into 100 words but my guess is that you have what it takes to figure it out.
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

    • Hi Rochelle,
      Thanks for dropping by. You said it right. They do have the potential but just weren’t executed well enough because I left a lot of questions unanswered. Well, she was just chained in the ankles to refrain her movement but otherwise in the basement she could eat with her free hands. On second thoughts, maybe it wouldn’t work but from his perspective she was harmless.
      In the second story, I’d give the benefit of doubt to the darkness and the view that distracted her enough to not look at the glass.
      But yea could’ve been done better. I’m still learning to fit everything in 100 words. Never realized its this tough! :-)

      • We’ve given. you a lot to digest, haven’t we? Don’t get discouraged. We all have to start somewhere and I know I still have a lot to learn, too. You’re free anytime to disagree.

        • Honestly, I enjoyed reading the feedback a lot. It’s so good to get a different perspective and how well your story is perceived. It sure is going to help me the next time I try to write another one of these stories. Your story was great and so are the others I read. Such masterpieces!

  6. Liked both, and felt the first was very powerful. I wonder if she had accidentally swallowed the ring if he could return it, or she would wear it after it was retrieved.

    • Thanks for dropping by and your comment had me smiling. Well, that would’ve been a tough choice for her to wear what’s retrieved from her body. Doesn’t sound too good! :-)

  7. this sentence confuses me. i think there’s a mistake in there, not sure.

    “These few days if something she got used to was his coarse tone.”

    this sentence – does it mean that she distracted him enough by unbuttoning the dress?

    “He caved and as he sat, she struck him with a vase.”

    • Thanks for dropping by. Well, the girl was held captive and all she got used to was his tone. The surroundings she wasn’t comfortable with. So that’s what I tried to show. And since she was only chained in the ankles to restrict her movement so she had her hands free to strike but for that she had to have him near her. So she spoke in that tone and unbuttoned the dress a little and he caved. Maybe the captor wasn’t thinking her to be dangerous or maybe he thought of something else while the dinner was over.
      I know I’ve left everyone wondering and confused with these stories. They weren’t executed well enough and hence everyone pondering! It seems like a Herculean task to fit in everything in 100 words! :-)
      Appreciate your feedback!

  8. Oh, two for the price of one! Two types of romance.

    One, fake to escape. I would add an ‘In’ and take out ‘if’, I think, to make the line read… ‘In these few days, something she got used…’ That ‘if’ was awkward to me. I liked the story, reminded me of that great movie ‘The Collector’.

    Two, real and true (good thing she didn’t swallow the ring). I liked her having to keep her eyes closed, to wait for the surprise. That’s romantic.

    • Thank you for dropping by. The stories definitely lacked the appeal and could’ve been better. It was difficult to fit it all in 100 words. And thank you for that suggestion. It definitely makes the sentence sound better than what I chose to wrote. I haven’t watched that movie. Will surely check it out!
      Yea, it would’ve been quite a spoiler had she swallowed the ring! :-)
      Appreciate your feedback.

    • Hehe.. Kz you gave a different angle to it. The second being a prequel to the first. And it could’ve been, never thought about it! :-)
      Thanks for dropping by.. And liking them although they could’ve been better.

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