It’s tad discomforting to put yourself out there when all your life you’ve been a closed person. Often times, I’ve been blamed for shutting myself down and embracing the isolation. I confess I’m not very receptive to failure. I go into my own cocoon and until I heal myself I am detached from the world. Part of me feels it does no good and the other knows its way easier alone.
I’m a crier. I have always been one. I’d cry for the most obnoxious reasons in the world. Yes, I’m that girl* who watches those mushy movies and lines up buckets, filled with tears. The point is I have no control over my tear glands. And have been often told that tears are a sign of weakness. But that’s my way of venting. It calms me down tremendously. Quite frankly, it’s the only thing I feel is, at the least, under my control. In life, everyone has a plan. The thing is you can make all the plans you want but there is another plan grander than your own. At the moment, I have not the slightest inkling but it’s the wait that has been excruciating. I do know that you are tested when you are the weakest. And yes, I also know if it doesn’t break you, it makes you stronger. It’s just that sometimes words seem ineffectual when everything else is upside down.
You know that helpless feeling when you try to make things work and they just keep getting worse. Yeah. That. It’s inexplicable. And what’s worse, I manage to somehow drag my parents into the mayhem. Everytime. They are the ones, left to pick up the pieces and give me the “pep talk.” Time and again. I owe them my life. My everything. I used to think I had dreams. Big dreams at that. And the probability of them coming true didn’t matter until I had them. I’m a firm believer that dreams make us what we become. After all, who doesn’t? It didn’t irk me before but now……… The less I say, the better it is. The point is I want my dreams to come true for those 2 beautiful souls who pray selflessly for me, day and night. Because I feel that’s the only way I can express my gratitude. I can give back the happiness they’ve showered upon me for more than 3 decades* now. In my hardest times, I always look upto them and they assure me the world is exactly how I want it to be. They assure me that there is nothing wrong with me even though I have a thousand imperfections. Their voice always reaffirms the fact that there is indeed that one beautiful pearl somewhere out there which has my name carved on it. It’s all a matter of time before I find it. God bless them for their overwhelming faith in me. Because if it weren’t for them I’d not be myself. Ever. They are the two gems for whom I’d go to the end of the world, if that’s what it takes.
Ma & pa, I know it’s not easy being a parent. I realize this more now when I am one too. The responsibility that falls on your shoulders is gigantic. But you both have always carried it out with such ease and grace. I owe this to you. I want to conquer my dreams for you both because I know how much it would mean to you. Because I know it matters. Because I know you care. You love and you’d be there. No matter what. No questions asked. Now and forever. Someone once told me if you can sleep every night at peace with the thought that your parents and your child look upto you as their rockstar then it doesn’t matter how the world defines you. For that I feel blessed.
* Yes, I still call myself a girl. I’ve come to believe girls can make mistakes and get away with it. So, I’d like to enjoy that liberty too.
* Yes, its been more than 3 decades and counting but I still look upto my parents and consult them every step of the way. I am that girl.
—>> This is my “Thank You” speech, of sorts, for the ones who deserve to be in the limelight not because they are my parents but because I am their daughter. A proud one at that. <<—